I want a divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

Enjoy ::)

Anecdote:
When you are ill,you must always go to the doctor because he has to earn a living. The doctor will prescribe the medicines and you must buy them, because the druggist has got to live too.But you must never take those medicines because you also have to live!
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Reaching the end of a job...Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of College what kind of a salary he was looking for."In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.""Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?""Wow! Are you kidding?""Yeah, but you started it."

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skeleton WHY THE SKELETON SCARED TO CROSS THE ROAD?
ANS: BECOZ NO BALLS TO CROSS THE ROAD
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Blond getting a haircut :
blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "OK". after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blond died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
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Scents In An Elevator An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when Young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye,then bends over and farts and says, ... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

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Who is worse - wife or mother-in-law?When the man came come, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked."I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.""And?""At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Catherine, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

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smart salesman :;
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

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Women cannot keep secrets!"She told me," a women complained to a friend, "that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied her friend in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her.""Oh dear!" sighed the first women. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
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Two policemen are going to work:- Shall we take a bus or walk?-
Well, lets see what arrives first.
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A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe.
His boss starts to yell at him:- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the Shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

{Dangerous Content?} A PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs.1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "Rs7,00,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs.11,50,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 11,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"

Real Facts and Thoughts

"A person should not be too honest.
Straight trees are cut first and Honest people are victimised first."


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"Even if a snake is not poisonous,
it should pretend to be venomous."



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"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. ! It will destroy you."




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"There is some self-interest behind every friendship.
There is no Friendship without self-interests.
This is a bitter truth."




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"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, What the results

might be and Will I be successful. Only when you think deeply
and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."




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"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."




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"Once you start a working on something,
don't be afraid of failure and
don't abandon it.
People who work sincerely are the happiest."


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"The fragrance of flowers spreads


only in the direction of the wind.
But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction."


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"A man is great by deeds, not by birth."




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"Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years.


For the next five years, scold them.
By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend.
Your grown up children are your best friends."


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"Books are as useful to a stupid person


as a mirror is useful to a blind person."


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"Education is the best friend.


An educated person is respected everywhere.
Education beats the beauty and the youth."
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Common mistakes we make while speaking English!!

1. "It was a blunder mistake."
Correction, people! The word 'blunder' means mistake, so you could say:
"It was a blunder," or
"It was a big mistake."

2. "It would have been more better."
The word 'better' itself implies that the option in question is superior -- the use of the

word 'more' in the sentence is, therefore both inappropriate and unnecessary. Thus the

correct sentence would go as follows:
"It would have been better."


3. "Why don't he get married?"
The term 'don't' applies when discussing a plural subject. For instance, "Why don't

they get married?" The right way to phrase that sentence would be:
"Why doesn't he get married?"


4. "I want two Xeroxes of this card."
The term 'Xerox' is used in North American English as a verb. Actually, 'Xerox' is the

name of a company that supplies photocopiers! The correct thing to say, therefore,

would be:
"I want two photocopies of this card."


5. "Your hairs are looking silky today."
This is one of the most common Indian bloopers! The plural of 'hair' is 'hair'! Thus:
"Your hair is looking silky today."


some more::

1. Loose vs lose:
Many people make this mistake. They inevitably interchange the words 'loose' and

'lose' while writing. 'Lose' means to 'suffer a loss or defeat'. Thus, you would write:
'I don't want to lose you," and not ' don't want to loose you.'

'Loose', on the other hand, means 'not firm' or 'not fitting.' In this context, you would

write,
"My shirt is loose," not "My shirt is lose."


2. "One of my friend lives in usa."
This is one of the most common Indian English bloopers ever! The correct way of

putting that is:
"One of my friends lives in usa."

Why? Because the sentence implies that you have many friends who live in usa, but

you are referring to only one of these friends.


3. Tension-inducing tenses.
People often use the wrong tense in their sentences. For instance, someone might say:
"I didn't cried when I saw the movie."

Unfortunately, the word 'didn't' is never followed by a past tense verb, in this case

'cried'. The correct way of putting it would be:
"I didn't cry when I saw the movie."

Funny Pics !!!!!!!!!

Thats Life !!!!!!!!!!

God created the donkey

and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"God granted his wish.
.................................................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God created the Dog

and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.You will be a dog. "
The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years. " God granted his wish.
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God created the Monkey


and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "
The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.
..........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally God created Man




and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish .........................................................................................
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man ,
marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life.
Isn't it ??????????

Best Break-Up Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.

It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky..............

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember
who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.


Take Care,
Ricky

Global Warming Update: Eskimos Spot First Palm Tree

In an especially inarguable event that global warming is proceeding apace, a group of Eskimos noticed – while hunting for caribou on the sort of unusually balmy day that they’ve been experiencing with ever-growing frequency – a tree they were not familiar with, growing high above the tundra.
Priding themselves on knowing the flora and fauna of their land, they puzzled over the strange growth.
“Look,” one said, “a tree I never saw before.”
“No branches,” another one puzzled.
“Even a bear couldn’t climb it,” a third one noted.
Then one of them pointed to the groups of large roundish green objects in the high and odd-looking leaves, known in warmer climes as palm fronds. “Look,” he speculated, “big fruit, maybe.”
Just then one of the ovoid objects happened to break loose and fall toward them.
Unfortunately, for the fellow who had just identified it as fruit, the object hit him on the head and, being rather heavy and hard, it knocked him out.
When he awoke, he felt the lump on his head, and concluded, “Not very ripe.”
Respecting the environment, as all Eskimos are famously known to do, except when poaching, they decided not to chop the tree down to take it back via dogsled for identification but to settle for returning with the unidentified object that had hit their unsuspecting fellow villager on the noggin.
When they got back to their village, they went straight to the village elder, who was revered for many reasons, one of them being that he was the only resident of the village who, one year when the salmon catch had been especially bountiful, had managed to wangle a trip to Florida.
When he saw the strange object, his brows fretted and he looked up, saying, “I thought you went caribou hunting?”
“We did,” one of the hunters replied.
“I did not know that there are caribou in Florida,” he said, questioningly.
“Florida?” another hunter asked, now even more mystified.
“Yes, because as far as I know, this thing only grows in Florida. As you know, once, in my younger days, I went there for a mid-winter break.”
“Then you know what it is?” the fellow who had been hit on the head with it asked.
“Yes, he replied. “It’s called a coconut.”
“Coconut?” they variously puzzled, passing it around for another look.
“Yes,” the elder confirmed. “Where did you find it?”
“In a tree we never saw before.”
“And where did you see this tree?” the wizened man questioned.
“In caribou country,” one of the hunters affirmed.
“I swear,” another added.
“Then,” he told them, “thanks to global warming, our way of life is about to change. You have found a palm tree in Alaska.”
“Palm tree?” they wondered.
“Yes,” he said, and whacked the coconut with a large knife.
He savored a sip of the nectar within and, passing the coconut around so the hunters might experience the milky delectation, he concluded, "And so, if I live long enough, maybe I will get to enjoy the climate of Florida without having to make another trip there.”