Husband: (Returning late form work) "Good evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the ring?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morn...
Husband: Erroneous syntax.
Wife: What about my new blouse?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card; I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters. Abort!
Wife: It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: Default Parameter.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: Access denied. File in use...
Wife: Who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Friday, April 18, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
3 Men and a River
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The
first man prayed to God saying, 'Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river.' Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, 'Please God, give me the
strength and ability to cross this river.' Poof! God gave him a rowboat and
he was able to row across the river in about an hour.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, 'Please God, give me the strength, ability, and
intelligence to cross this river.' And Poof! God turned him into a woman.
She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The
first man prayed to God saying, 'Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river.' Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, 'Please God, give me the
strength and ability to cross this river.' Poof! God gave him a rowboat and
he was able to row across the river in about an hour.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, 'Please God, give me the strength, ability, and
intelligence to cross this river.' And Poof! God turned him into a woman.
She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
Monday, April 7, 2008
SICK LEAVE POLICY!!!
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY*
**
**
**
*SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.*
*
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.*
*
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.*
*Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement. *
*ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. *
*We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT*
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY*
**
**
**
*SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.*
*
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.*
*
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.*
*Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement. *
*ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. *
*We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT*
Friday, April 4, 2008
Jokes...
1. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
2. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
3. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will
just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him
because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
4. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
5. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
2. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
3. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will
just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him
because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
4. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
5. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing an decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND ;-)
1. You can stare at any Girl.......
************ *
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
************ *
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
************ *
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
************ *
5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
************ *
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
************ *
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
************ *
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
************ *
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.
************ *
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
************ *
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
************ *
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
************ *
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
************ *
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
************ *
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
************ *
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
************ *
17. No nonstop nonsense.
************ *
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
************ *
19. No tension.
************ *
20. You can be "urself"
************ *
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....
************ *
************ *
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
************ *
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
************ *
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
************ *
5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
************ *
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
************ *
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
************ *
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
************ *
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.
************ *
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
************ *
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
************ *
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
************ *
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
************ *
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
************ *
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
************ *
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
************ *
17. No nonstop nonsense.
************ *
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
************ *
19. No tension.
************ *
20. You can be "urself"
************ *
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....
************ *
Monday, January 28, 2008
"After Marriage".....Humour
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
2.There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
3.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."
8."Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. " I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?". "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" The husband replied. Because I work like a horse,live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."
2.There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
3.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."
8."Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. " I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?". "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" The husband replied. Because I work like a horse,live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Humour, Funny , Jokes ..... : )
Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without
brain..
Please tell them your age!!!!!!
Mistakes are not crime......if you correct them they are the key of success
FOR EXAMPLE....God created you ......He than created me
Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush
Boy: mom, today my friend is coming over, please hide all the toys
Mom: Why, son? Is your friend a robber.
Boy: No. He will recognize his toys
In aptitude test... Nile River is in which state?
Sardar: liquid state
INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?
Sardar: Simple, stop imagining
Sardar starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this
oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Sardar: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE
Sardar: in my dreams rats play football every night
DR: take this tablet you will be ok
Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game
brain..
Please tell them your age!!!!!!
Mistakes are not crime......if you correct them they are the key of success
FOR EXAMPLE....God created you ......He than created me
Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush
Boy: mom, today my friend is coming over, please hide all the toys
Mom: Why, son? Is your friend a robber.
Boy: No. He will recognize his toys
In aptitude test... Nile River is in which state?
Sardar: liquid state
INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?
Sardar: Simple, stop imagining
Sardar starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this
oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Sardar: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE
Sardar: in my dreams rats play football every night
DR: take this tablet you will be ok
Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game
Thursday, January 24, 2008
How men get into trouble !!!
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, " Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
**Now The Ultimate One****
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife? " the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez ."
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
**Now The Ultimate One****
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife? " the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez ."
Amazing Home Remedies !!!!!!!!!!!
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Humour, Funny , Jokes ..... : )
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
**********************************************
There were three guys talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?".
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
He replied, "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
***********************************************
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
**********************************************
There were three guys talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?".
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
He replied, "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
***********************************************
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Friday, January 4, 2008
Enjoy ::)
Anecdote:
When you are ill,you must always go to the doctor because he has to earn a living. The doctor will prescribe the medicines and you must buy them, because the druggist has got to live too.But you must never take those medicines because you also have to live!
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Reaching the end of a job...Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of College what kind of a salary he was looking for."In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.""Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?""Wow! Are you kidding?""Yeah, but you started it."
--------------------------
skeleton WHY THE SKELETON SCARED TO CROSS THE ROAD?
ANS: BECOZ NO BALLS TO CROSS THE ROAD
-------------------------
Blond getting a haircut :
blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "OK". after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blond died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
--------------------------
Scents In An Elevator An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when Young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye,then bends over and farts and says, ... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
---------------------------
Who is worse - wife or mother-in-law?When the man came come, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked."I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.""And?""At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Catherine, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
------------------------------
smart salesman :;
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
-------------------------------
Women cannot keep secrets!"She told me," a women complained to a friend, "that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied her friend in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her.""Oh dear!" sighed the first women. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
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Two policemen are going to work:- Shall we take a bus or walk?-
Well, lets see what arrives first.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe.
His boss starts to yell at him:- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the Shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.
When you are ill,you must always go to the doctor because he has to earn a living. The doctor will prescribe the medicines and you must buy them, because the druggist has got to live too.But you must never take those medicines because you also have to live!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reaching the end of a job...Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of College what kind of a salary he was looking for."In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.""Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?""Wow! Are you kidding?""Yeah, but you started it."
--------------------------
skeleton WHY THE SKELETON SCARED TO CROSS THE ROAD?
ANS: BECOZ NO BALLS TO CROSS THE ROAD
-------------------------
Blond getting a haircut :
blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "OK". after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blond died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
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Scents In An Elevator An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when Young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye,then bends over and farts and says, ... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
---------------------------
Who is worse - wife or mother-in-law?When the man came come, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked."I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.""And?""At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Catherine, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
------------------------------
smart salesman :;
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
-------------------------------
Women cannot keep secrets!"She told me," a women complained to a friend, "that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied her friend in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her.""Oh dear!" sighed the first women. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two policemen are going to work:- Shall we take a bus or walk?-
Well, lets see what arrives first.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe.
His boss starts to yell at him:- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the Shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.
10 signs you are an Internet geek
10.When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi,
what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are,
and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as
"client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right
parentheses!"And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi,
what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are,
and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as
"client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right
parentheses!"And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
Some laws which Newton Forgot:
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success…….. is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk..
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. which never works.
If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****
As soon as you mention something…… if it is good, it is taken…. If it is bad, it happens.
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.
Especially for engg. Students---- If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
All buses are crowded. Corollary--- -- buses in opposite direction always go empty.
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker …
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success…….. is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk..
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. which never works.
If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****
As soon as you mention something…… if it is good, it is taken…. If it is bad, it happens.
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.
Especially for engg. Students---- If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
All buses are crowded. Corollary--- -- buses in opposite direction always go empty.
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker …
Thursday, January 3, 2008
UltiMate Fact
Men:
************
1. All men are extremely busy.
************
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
************
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
************
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
************
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
************
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
************
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with
others.
************
Women:
************
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
************
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
************
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
************
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
************
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
************
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
************
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
************
************
1. All men are extremely busy.
************
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
************
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
************
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
************
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
************
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
************
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with
others.
************
Women:
************
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
************
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
************
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
************
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
************
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
************
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
************
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
************
What a Woman Wants !!!!!!!!! :)
More Than Anything
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Best Break-Up Letter Ever
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember
who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember
who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Friday, November 30, 2007
10 most stupid questions !!!!!!!!!
people usually ask
in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/friendsStupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:-Well,it's so hot , there were no cool cabsso I thought i'd watch some advertisements inthe cool comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again or should i try thistime."
3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people askStupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people. Answer:-Why?Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant:When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish goodAnswer:-No, its teribble and made of adulteratedcement.We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant auntmeets you after years Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become sobig. Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and youask Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?Answer:-No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitivelout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phonecall Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping. Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malikwas betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidentlyshorter hair Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objectsin your mouth Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts? Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell meif I bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute womanasks Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/friendsStupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:-Well,it's so hot , there were no cool cabsso I thought i'd watch some advertisements inthe cool comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again or should i try thistime."
3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people askStupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people. Answer:-Why?Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant:When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish goodAnswer:-No, its teribble and made of adulteratedcement.We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant auntmeets you after years Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become sobig. Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and youask Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?Answer:-No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitivelout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phonecall Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping. Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malikwas betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidentlyshorter hair Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objectsin your mouth Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts? Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell meif I bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute womanasks Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
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